Wednesday, November 28, 2012

MB-Eish: Part 17: 12


**"Eish" is a South African slang term expressing surprise, dismay, anger or frustration.** 

As I mentioned two years ago, I have joined the droves of engineers who have sold out to the dark side: Banking (and more recently, the elite league of the dark side: Asset Management). To make myself more comfortable in my new, murky surrounds I have decided to do an MBA part-time. This is the seventeenth in a series of posts about my MBA experience.




So... 12 days to go.

I have taken annual leave for the next two weeks to finish this baby off. Already yesterday, my first day off, I did nearly as much as I've managed in the last two weekends. And things are starting to make sense! I can't wait to start analyzing and writing this up when I'm finally finished fishing for figures in sustainability reports! Nothing like focus, pajamas and lots of junk food to get things going. Flickers of light, the light of good ideas in the middle of the night... or is that just the dawn?..Of course when I get back there's a week of sleepless nights waiting for me while I finish the work that's on hold... but no time to think about that now. That, my friends, is a post for another day. 

To take stock of the situation, I am a month behind schedule. I have finished 20% of my data gathering and yet by now I'm meant to be awaiting feedback on my first draft. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. 

Actually, that's not true. 

By now I know to laugh. Nervously, uncontrollably, the louder the better! Tears are for sissies. Tears are for people who have slack time in their gantt charts. Tears are for people who have time to entertain Panic. 

Although according to my research supervisor who I met with this morning this is "normal". And yet there are people in the class who have this thing done and dusted. Then again he did say he usually supervises the stragglers who don't have supervisors lined up months ahead of time, so maybe I'm on the bell curve for the slow group. 

I need to do a month's worth of work in a week, and Panic is going to slow me down. It is time to send Panic a-packin'. Panic has lit a fire under my behind and out of the ashes, the beautiful... the mysterious... the mesmerizing... the magical... Inspiration has emerged. 

Dear Panic

Shakespeare said "all the world's a stage". On that stage yours is but an opening monologue. Thank you for playing your part so dutifully, but it is time to end that scene, as the real star of the show has just floated silently into the spotlight at stage left: Inspiration.

I can't take my eyes off her and she has but whispered her opening line. 

Now, now.. don't fret, my dear. Don't let this get you down. I'm sure you will have your shot at a reappearance in a week or two, but until then I'm listening to the leading lady.

Yours (but not for the next twelve days),
Inspired Femgineer

Mwah



Sunday, November 25, 2012

MB-Eish: Part 16: 15


**"Eish" is a South African slang term expressing surprise, dismay, anger or frustration.** 

As I mentioned two years ago, I have joined the droves of engineers who have sold out to the dark side: Banking (and more recently, the elite league of the dark side: Asset Management). To make myself more comfortable in my new, murky surrounds I have decided to do an MBA part-time. This is the sixteenth in a series of posts about my MBA experience.


15 days to go. 

I am still gathering data and other people have handed in drafts! Oh, the life of a PROcrastinator. As usual there is no choice but to suck it up and keep moving, slowly picking up the pace everyday. Hopefully I will finish on a high as always.

For now I feel like I'm wading through syrup with this data. Not to bore you with the details, but I'm covering something that requires me to extract environmental and other touchy-feely stats from companies' sustainability reports. To my surprise and dismay, companies largely suck at sustainability reporting. It easily takes an hour to find one data point. My total study requires 600 data points at least. Screwed, I tell you. 

Instead of gathering data, yesterday I spent a few hours reviewing my sample. I am making an executive decision to ditch entire sectors of the stock exchange because the reporting sucks. I need to get something out in the next 15 days and at this pace it's not going to be worth reading.  

At least the work break starts in less than 24 hours. And then I'm not leaving the house except to buy red bull or see my supervisor. Or to buy more candy. 


Saturday, November 24, 2012

MB-Eish: Part 15:17


**"Eish" is a South African slang term expressing surprise, dismay, anger or frustration.** 

As I mentioned two years ago, I have joined the droves of engineers who have sold out to the dark side: Banking (and more recently, the elite league of the dark side: Asset Management). To make myself more comfortable in my new, murky surrounds I have decided to do an MBA part-time. This is the fifteenth in a series of posts about my MBA experience.

17 days to go. 


And thank goodness because I don't think my body can handle much more. This week I have been working late every night for a work deadline. For the last two days I have resorted to drinking red bull for breakfast just to appear normal at the morning meeting. Hopefully that worked. Of course the more you drink the more you need... I want nothing but junk food all day. And if it weren't for my fiancĂ© feeding me the occasional pasta, my dinners would consist of Pringles and more red bull. Coupled with an average of four hours sleep a night, I am sure this is the equivalent of feeding pool cleaner to a pot plant. But it is too late to kick the crutch now.


I have admitted defeat and pushed my work deadline out to after thesis. So I have a whole weekend to work on my research, and in a day or two my two week push to finish begins. No doubt there will be about a crate of red bull, crisps and candy at the ready. One day when I grow up I will learn to eat well as well as work well under pressure. Until then, pass me a jelly bean...







Thursday, November 22, 2012

MB-Eish: Part 14: 19


**"Eish" is a South African slang term expressing surprise, dismay, anger or frustration.** 

As I mentioned two years ago, I have joined the droves of engineers who have sold out to the dark side: Banking (and more recently, the elite league of the dark side: Asset Management). To make myself more comfortable in my new, murky surrounds I have decided to do an MBA part-time. This is the fourteenth in a series of posts about my MBA experience.


Holy crap! Nineteen days to go. I can't believe this is in the teens already!

Just a few days left before I press II on my day job. 

I've tried to pull the third late night in a row tonight to work on my last project for the analyst trainee program. My fiancĂ© literally dragged me out of bed at my request to rescue me from a nap that was turning into another sleep-overdose; but it's been a highly unproductive evening despite copious amounts of red bull. My body is not keeping up the slack, man! I wish I could rent a fresh one for a few weeks! One that's been sleeping, working out and eating fruit and veggies. I might need to feed mine caffeine intravenously towards the end of the next few weeks. Seems a bit like I am reaping diminishing returns for my efforts. The course is set for the destination but the fuel light is on. (I did warn you ten days ago that there would be grumpiness and melancholy in these last MB-Eish posts.)

But I will press on! I'm betting on myself to get a good job done at work and finish my thesis in about 12 days. Betting the house on the next 19 days.




Tuesday, November 20, 2012

MB-Eish: Part 13: 20

**"Eish" is a South African slang term expressing surprise, dismay, anger or frustration.** 

As I mentioned two years ago, I have joined the droves of engineers who have sold out to the dark side: Banking (and more recently, the elite league of the dark side: Asset Management). To make myself more comfortable in my new, murky surrounds I have decided to do an MBA part-time. This is the thirteenth in a series of posts about my MBA experience.



A mere twenty days to go. What a simultaneously pleasant and terrifying thought. 

Dear Panic

I have good news and bad news. 

Though I am pleased that you have finally decided to show your support, I'm afraid I cannot entertain you just yet. I have decided that I am no good at juggling. I am spending more time shifting between between work projects and thesis than actually advancing either ball towards the try line. It is time to grab one at a time with both hands and slam dunk them. All I am achieving is directionless dribbling and it is time to set up a decent game plan. 

Now that I have completely mixed all the sports metaphors I know (and one probably from the circus), let me tell you the plan of attack: (Don't worry, I'm not switching to military metaphors.) For the next few days I will get work projects out of the way. I am bringing my big deadline forward ready or not. There is enough Red Bull out there to facilitate that. 

Once I have pulled that off I will stick my hand into the annual leave cookie jar and slink off to hide out for the last fourteen days of MBA. Fourteen days of uninterrupted focus to write the perfect academic swan song. There will be more red bull! There will be pajamas all day! There will be Pringles and Asian food deliveries every night! 

Can you wait a few more days? Please put the matches away for now. The good news? You can light that fire under my rear exactly a week from now.

Yours in anticipation,
Flame-resistant Femgineer

MB-Eish: Part 12: 21

**"Eish" is a South African slang term expressing surprise, dismay, anger or frustration.** 

As I mentioned two years ago, I have joined the droves of engineers who have sold out to the dark side: Banking (and more recently, the elite league of the dark side: Asset Management). To make myself more comfortable in my new, murky surrounds I have decided to do an MBA part-time. This is the twelfth in a series of posts about my MBA experience.




Technically, it's after midnight and it's actually 20 days to go. I wish I could say I've been up pulling an all-nighter for my thesis. Alas, it's been an all-nighter for work. I've just come home after my fiancĂ© who was working a shift at the emergency room from 4pm til midnight.  I think the only reason I'm blogging and not fast asleep is because I'm waiting to use the shower. 

The last leg of my analyst trainee program officially ends in 2 weeks. Yes 2 weeks. i.e. 1 week before thesis hand in. The two very important deadlines in my life right now are on course for a nasty collision and the likely casualty is me. 

I am more screwed than a drunk cheerleader on prom night. *profanities*

Sunday, November 18, 2012

MB-Eish: Part 11: 22

**"Eish" is a South African slang term expressing surprise, dismay, anger or frustration.** 

As I mentioned two years ago, I have joined the droves of engineers who have sold out to the dark side: Banking (and more recently, the elite league of the dark side: Asset Management). To make myself more comfortable in my new, murky surrounds I have decided to do an MBA part-time. This is the eleventh in a series of posts about my MBA experience.


Twenty-two days to go and I think the panic has finally set in. 

I've been waiting for this: Panic or inspiration. I can't get much done without at least one of the above. And the second usually follows from the first. 

I have finished 10% of what I needed to do this weekend. Not for lack of trying, but probably because it was un-achievable in the first place. As usual I have underestimated what needs to be done and I foresee that I will have no sleep for the next three weeks. 

And to make matters worse I am not "in the zone". It's December, the sun is out and I am freaking tired. I feel like school's out and people are asking me to work during my Summer vacation.

I know I will get this done, but exactly how is not clear this very minute.

Dear, Panic. 

Why the hell didn't you get here sooner? You know I can't work when you're not around! This is all your fault.

Yours petulantly,
Frazzled Femgineer




Saturday, November 17, 2012

MB-Eish: Part 10: 23

**"Eish" is a South African slang term expressing surprise, dismay, anger or frustration.** 

As I mentioned two years ago, I have joined the droves of engineers who have sold out to the dark side: Banking (and more recently, the elite league of the dark side: Asset Management). To make myself more comfortable in my new, murky surrounds I have decided to do an MBA part-time. This is the tenth in a series of posts about my MBA experience.

I've been up since 4am. 

I had a Friday evening pre-thesis time "nap" which turned into a full on sleep-binge. Fortunately I do not have a sleep hangover. But needless to say I slept through blogging time. And thesis time. And dinner time, sort of. The other half of my thai take-out is ice-cold on the kitchen counter.

This is not good. This is sooooo not good.


I was never any good at mental arithmetic, but I've checked my calculations on my calculator and it seems I have at least 240 hours worth of data gathering to do if I am to do what I've described in my research proposal. Then I would still have to analyze and write some findings worthy of a first class pass. As I have only 23 days left, this implies that I need to spend all my waking hours working on my thesis. 





Just one problem: I have a day job.

 The companies I cover are reporting annual results and working late is highly necessary in the next two weeks. I knew this two months ago when I drew up my thesis project plan. It's in Excel. It has pretty colours. It means jack shit at this point.

I sense a scope change on the horizon. Bugger!... and other profanities. 23 days to go. 




Psssst!


This was going to be my "24" picture. I slept instead of blogging, but it's too pretty to not go up. Back to work for me then...








Friday, November 16, 2012

MB-Eish: Part 9: 25

**"Eish" is a South African slang term expressing surprise, dismay, anger or frustration.** 

As I mentioned two years ago, I have joined the droves of engineers who have sold out to the dark side: Banking (and more recently, the elite league of the dark side: Asset Management). To make myself more comfortable in my new, murky surrounds I have decided to do an MBA part-time. This is the ninth in a series of posts about my MBA experience.

I used to be religious. These days I am a bit cynical about it all. If you are sensitive about such I suggest you eat ice-cream while you read this. It may take away that bitter taste...


In certain Christian circles it's popular to walk to the front of a large room and publicly commit your life to the Holy Troika. There are tears and sometimes there is clapping. Music swells in the background and your friends hug you as you return to your seat. From that moment on you are "saved". You are special. 


But... almost immediately you are susceptible to the force of your old habits pulling you back to a comfortably sinful equilibrium. Heavens! Back to the old you! Except that you have had a glimpse of glory. Kinda like watching something in HD and then going back to regular TV. The people who were doing the clapping when you had your moment call this "back-sliding". I know it sounds like a retro dance step, or a maneuver you might execute at a skate park. It is not. It is what happens when you don't surround yourself with like-minded people who keep you on the straight and narrow; Reading the Good Book and discussing the challenges of being so straight, and so narrow...



Now what the fudge** does this have to do with MBA you may ask? Well, I'm surprised you can't see the connection! 

A few months from now I will walk to the front of a rather Gothic,  rather large room and publicly become special. Graduation! My mother will cry. There will be clapping; perhaps even swollen music. And my friends will certainly hug me as I return to my seat. 



And then... the trappings of mind-numbing reality TV, computer games, cheesy novels, cotton-candy women's magazines... they will be calling out! Pulling me away from the good books (and magazines) on my diligently compiled Recommended Reads list: The Intelligent Investor, The Smartest Guys in The Room, Freakonomics, HBR, The Economist, Steve Jobs: A Biography, to name a few. Intellectual back-sliding will surely be my fate unless I surround myself with people who are interested in keeping the conversation going, who are smarter than me and knowledgeable about different things than me. Fortunately I've moved from The Bank to The Fund and nerdiness is encouraged, even lauded there. Most people are damn near overflowing with knowledge.

Enough to give me oil in my lamp, keep it burning; keep it burning til the break of day. Sing hosanna, y'all.





**Fudge. The word sometimes used by the people who do the clapping when they would rather not say "fuck". Also yummy and frequently sold at annual church fĂŞtes.





Thursday, November 15, 2012

MB-Eish Part 8: 26

**"Eish" is a South African slang term expressing surprise, dismay, anger or frustration.** 

As I mentioned two years ago, I have joined the droves of engineers who have sold out to the dark side: Banking (and more recently, the elite league of the dark side: Asset Management). To make myself more comfortable in my new, murky surrounds I have decided to do an MBA part-time. This is the eighth in a series of posts about my MBA experience.


I have a friend who always asks me how I am more than once when we talk. At first one could think she did not hear the first answer. Or that the second and third try are just superfluous. But I think the truth is she accepts that the first answer will be a superficial one; that she has to ask a few times until I've run out of fluff and actually tell her how I really am. She happens to be a doctor, so maybe it's some kind of technique they are taught... who knows. 


In a similar vein I've been asking myself what I've learned from this MBA. What have I gotten out of it? What am I taking with me? The first answers that bubble up are superficial: useful contacts, a new job in a new industry, a femgineer's guide (read dummy's guide) to basic finance, economics, strategy... But as I keep asking myself the same questions over and over I have to admit it's been deeper than that. As much as I expected to gloss over the touchy-feely personal development stuff, it's gotten in under my skin. 

I feel like the things that were important to me two years ago are no longer as important. I feel a lot smaller. Humbled. 

Instead of feeling like the polished MBA graduate I thought I would be by now, I realize that we have just scratched the surface. What I know is a fraction of what there is to know, which makes me shudder to think of how little I knew before... What I know is a fraction of the collective knowledge within a group of individuals. What I can create or produce on my own is an adequate but monotone shadow of what can be born out of the collaboration of folks who recognize that they are equally yet differently talented. These realizations are part of what I am taking away.

If this were a conversation with my friend she would not be finished yet with asking her question. There is more to say! (But it would be prudent to sleep at this point)

Fortunately, I have 26 more days to keep asking.



Tuesday, November 13, 2012

MB-Eish Part 7: 27

**"Eish" is a South African slang term expressing surprise, dismay, anger or frustration.** 

As I mentioned two years ago, I have joined the droves of engineers who have sold out to the dark side: Banking (and more recently, the elite league of the dark side: Asset Management). To make myself more comfortable in my new, murky surrounds I have decided to do an MBA part-time. This is the seventh in a series of posts about my MBA experience.





This is a the loneliest I've felt throughout this MBA. Just me, a stack of company reports and a fridge full of Red Bull. 

Last year I couldn't wait to get to this point. I am no longer accountable to anyone else and I can work (or not work) whenever I want. With group work, everyone had an opinion that they wanted voiced which slowed stuff down so much. But as much as syndicate group work was a pain in the rear from a scheduling and efficiency point of view, I didn't feel like I was in it alone. At this point I feel like talking in circles would beat having debates with myself! At least a group meeting or a Skype call comes to an end. In my head the debate can go on in a loop forever. 

Yeah, it's lonely. No-one else is doing exactly the same research so there's no point bitching to anyone, 'cause they just won't get it. No-one else, including my supervisor, has read exactly what I've read about this so anyone else's opinion is a bit iffy. The ideas, the motivation and the objective critique have got to come from within. If this were a fairy tale, I'd be slaying the dragon, the giant, the wicked witch and the wolf myself. 






Coupled with that is the realization that I'll never see some folks from my class again. While in a few cases this is hardly a pity, there are many more that I'm going to miss. We've had this long distance relationship going for two years! Seeing everyone every few months for classes has become an anticipated routine; two weeks of  intellectual ping-pong, constant challenge, shared ideas, discussions that most people would rather avoid.  And a surprising amount of sharing of personal journeys. I'm going to miss it! I've felt like my brain has come alive!

So what now? Yeah, we say we'll stay in touch. We'll see each other around. We'll be active alumni. But give it a year and half of us will be pruning our Facebook accounts, picking off people we haven't spoken to since graduation (but not our LinkedIn accounts, 'cause that's just bad business). Five years, and I'll need the captions on the class photo to remember some people's names. 

Sad, but probably true. 27 days to go. 

Monday, November 12, 2012

MB-Eish Part 6: 28

**"Eish" is a South African slang term expressing surprise, dismay, anger or frustration.** 

As I mentioned two years ago, I have joined the droves of engineers who have sold out to the dark side: Banking (and more recently, the elite league of the dark side: Asset Management). To make myself more comfortable in my new, murky surrounds I have decided to do an MBA part-time. This is the sixth in a series of posts about my MBA experience.


Twenty-eight days from now the outcome of the rest of this degree will rest in the hands of  my supervisor and a faceless external examiner. My research supervisor is an eccentric, grey-haired Italian finance professor. So far I've had three meetings with him and they've all involved drinking tea in his dimly lit office, discussing the state of the economy and university finances. Each time I've taken a notebook along eagerly hoping to inscribe in it his insights about my research topic, and without fail I am left with a crisp white page, blank except for the date and "Meeting with Prof" written in the first line.  

Of course I do realize this is most likely a reflection on how little work I've done to date. 

When he introduced himself to our class as a potential supervisor his words were "I'm a bit cooky. I tend to do things on the last minute, and I usually end up taking the students who are left without a supervisor at the end". I sensed a kindred spirit. And I immediately made a mental note to approach him for supervision a few days before the deadline! To do so right then and there would have been uncharacteristically organized. In true PROcrastinator style I decided on my topic the morning before our meeting and finalized my pitch in the car on the way to his office. Unfortunately that has set the tone for my thesis so far: lastminute.com (well, it's in keeping with the rest of my degree actually). I sent a few desperate 2am emails for feedback a few days before research proposals were due; in fact the morning of submission included. And bless his heart, he replied within hours. I swore this time I would be organised. I think my project plan says I would be sending draft 1 in for comments right about now. 

But go figure, tonight is the night that I start my data gathering. Twenty-eight 25-hour days ahead. *profanities*






Sunday, November 11, 2012

MB-Eish Part 5: 29


**"Eish" is a South African slang term expressing surprise, dismay, anger or frustration.** 

As I mentioned two years ago, I have joined the droves of engineers who have sold out to the dark side: Banking (and more recently, the elite league of the dark side: Asset Management). To make myself more comfortable in my new, murky surrounds I have decided to do an MBA part-time. This is the fifth in a series of posts about my MBA experience.

There are 29 days left until this MBA is over. This week I handed in my last assignment and all that's left is half a thesis. 15000 words stand between me and getting my life back. For the next 29 days this is going to take over my mind and my life and I am planning to blog every day until it's over. 

I hear the non-believers laughing. 

My track record is not flawless, but my intentions are solid. Guaranteed I am going to be grumpy as all hell and melodramatic aplenty, so remember if you can't handle it click here and stay there.

So today I have two confessions to make.

1. I am a bit of a nerd. 

(Not a surprise to some of you and not to be confused with a geek as I know nothing about gadgets or computer stuff - hard or soft.)


I was that girl at high school who took all the academic awards and was top of the class. But I tried to dedicate as little time to nerdiness as possible as I also quite enjoy lying around and watching tv. To this end I would do homework for one class in someone else's class, during lunch or on the bus to and from school; anywhere but at home. I got by quite nicely this way with a few late nights here and there. 

Cut to varsity. 

I'm studying chemical engineering and suddenly I can no longer do well with minimal effort and multi-tasking. Instead of manning up and putting more effort into studying organic chemistry and the like, I invested time into studying the curve of my boyfriend's bottom lip.  (Maybe not such a bad move as we're still together and some of our best memories were made then, but not so healthy for my inner nerd.) I still passed within four years, which apparently is an achievement in and of itself. But I had secretly hoped to be on the dean's list and get my degree with honours. I graduated feeling defeated and unintelligent. Falling short of those ambitions still haunts me. 

Cut to MBA.

The nerd is back trying to make up for the past. I am totally trying to seek penance for academic sins of yesteryear. Which brings me to the next confession.

2. I want to graduate with a distinction. 

(Again, not a surprise to some of you)

There I said it. I am nearly thirty and it still matters to me that I get good marks. Yes, some people will have it that good marks don't mean that you're smart. But getting bad marks sure makes me feel dumb! So I have put in effort, sacrificed nights of  fantastic tv, neglected my man, friends and family whenever deadlines drew near...and now, with 29 days to go..

I DON'T WANNA DO IT ANYMORE!! 

I am so over this! I want to enjoy the summer nights in Cape Town! I want to spend hours pinning pictures to my Pinterest wedding board! I want to sleep for eight hours at night! I want to have date nights with my guy!

But two years down the line, hours of work invested in a good GPA and I guess the choice is obvious. Painful, but obvious.

29 and counting. *sigh* 



Saturday, November 10, 2012

That Awkward Moment...

...when you haven't blogged all year and need to ask your readers for forgiveness. Again. This time it will be different! I promise. Hmmmm....



In my defense it's been one hell of a year.  And to blog would have been to acknowledge the craziness at play. And that may have been akin to abandoning the brace position to dance in the aisle of a falling plane.

The last time I posted something was on New Year's Eve last year. Later that night my midnight Facebook status update went something like: "2012...bring it, bitch!". And bring it she did. But I was kinda asking for it. Long story short: I decided to change jobs in the middle of my MBA.

No, I did not ditch The Bank for some noble engineering job helping the world go 'round. I ditched The Bank for The Fund. I have spent the year as a trainee investment analyst. Think Pursuit of Happyness, minus the cute black kid. And the sleeping on the street. And the stockbroking. And in Cape Town. Actually, scratch that completely. Anyway, my point is it's been a rough year. I gave up the cushy security of being an efficiency "expert" at The Bank to be a clueless femgineer trying to crack it as a junior Wall Street wannabe, competing with two younger guys with business  degrees in an environment where failure equaled unemployment, dealing with daily waves of inadequacy and constantly worrying about looking seriously dumb. Between the MBA deadlines and the training program deadlines I have slept about as much as an insomniac with a mild crack habit and a newborn baby.



Fortunately I am still employed, which I guess means I have started resembling a somewhat less clueless femgineer. And the bonus is that I am no longer a professional nomad; and in possibly related news, my beau proposed to me in Feb and we are getting hitched a year from now! I still have a thesis to write before the MBEish posts are a thing of the past. And there are still a few weeks left for 2012 to abuse me. But I think I am winning this fight. Albeit by a close margin.